Saying what you need in every situation.

“Who cut your hair, Clo???” I asked, shocked at the big chunk of her hair that was chopped.

She turned to avoid the question. She didn’t want to deal with the details. She didn’t want to share what happened and she couldn’t articulate what she needed. 

I had just watched Glennon Doyle’s Super Soul Session in my backyard. “First the pain, then the rising.” Glennon’s voice repeated in my head. 

Those words brought me to my knees… 

“Okay but I’ve been through the pain, Glennon. I can’t take any more pain, Glennon. WHERE. IS. MY. RISING!?!” 

I was absolutely exhausted. Overworking, over-momming, over EVERYTHING and that is putting it lightly. I felt like I had solved 7000 puzzles, the ones with the tiny pieces, alone. Putting them together one after the other. The stress was unbearable. The energy was gone, but somehow I still did more. (Oh heyyyyyyy burnout.)

“First the pain, then the rising.” Glennon’s words seared through my overwhelmed brain while I kept thinking that I had nothing left to give. 

“First the pain, then the rising.” Hmmmmmmmmm, okay great, all I see is hard, but whatever, G, I have a family to take care of, work to do, and people waiting on me right now actually. 

I picked myself up, wiped my tears and slid the glass door open to find my Clo sitting there. That’s when I noticed the haircut. 

“Did you cut your hair?” I asked. 

“No.” 

“Was it an accident that maybe happened when you cut paper?” I stretched. 

“No.” 

“Was it someone in your class?” 

She froze. Turning again to avoid dealing with it. 

She was protecting someone. She didn’t want them to get in trouble. She didn’t tell her teacher what had happened. She for sure wasn’t okay with it, but she was less okay with speaking up. She was less okay with causing someone else discomfort. She was MORE okay with shouldering the discomfort herself and just dealing with it. 

She didn’t want to say what she needed. She didn’t know HOW to say what she needed. 

From the moment this kid was about to cut her hair, she didn’t know how to articulate what she needed (for him to NOT cut it). Didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable by telling what happened. She didn’t want this to happen, but as I pulled the details out, this was something that this kid had done to her many times in class. I just now caught it. I only now noticed. 

My momma heart was shook. My beautiful little girl is having trouble telling someone to stop doing something that she didn’t want them to do. Uh uh. 

From here we took it to the teacher. It was taken care of. She learned that it’s okay to say what she needs and we’re working on this every day with her now… finding her voice. Teaching her how to connect with her power. Setting boundaries. Shortening the gap between when she knows what she needs and wants and when she speaks up until there is no gap at all. 

But what also happened is that this changed ME. 

I realized where my “rising” was. I realized that it was so much easier for me to shoulder the “pain” of all the things I had been shouldering than saying what I needed. 

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.” I aha’d. 

Hard work is not hard for me. I can DO that. I’m GOOD at that. 

Discomfort is right up my alley… “Oh, let me shoulder that for you.” lol.  

My real pain is in the speaking up and out. 

My work is to NOT shoulder all the hard work, and think that through that comes my rising. Hard work is my buffer from doing my REAL work, which is saying what I need. 

Owning my worth. Setting boundaries. Protecting my energy even if it means someone else will be disappointed. My real work is in putting myself first. It always has been. And my kids have been my BEST teachers in this lesson. 

Becoming a woman who says what she needs in every situation. This is my work and I’m in it. 

It’s messy, but it’s so good. Setting up that first boundary and holding it. Oh. My. YESSSSSSSS! It felt so good! 

And reconnecting with me. This is the first step. What do I really want? How can I say what I need when I don’t know what I need? 

I’m discovering my own self daily, slowly pulling out the details that are hiding beneath all the avoiding I’ve been doing. And all the other voices that I’ve let overshadow my own.

I don’t want it to just be me, though. I am doing this for me, YES, but also for Clo to see her momma speak up and be a green light in her own rising.

And for anyone else out there who also may have lost herself and put herself on the back burner. Shouldered too many hours. Felt alone and disconnected from her truth. Didn’t set that boundary that meant she missed out on something important. Didn’t say that hard thing that cost her so much more because she kept it to herself. 

I’m BEYOND EXCITED to share that I’m opening up my own coaching business. This is my ribbon cutting so if you read this far THANK YOU and WELCOME. 

I help big hearted women find their voice. Their truth. Their boundaries. And get CONNECTED to themselves, so that they can finally have the connections they want in their relationships and in their businesses and marketing. Who’s with me? Let’s lock arms and RISE. Everyone will be better off when we do. 

Xoxo